Friday, September 4, 2015

Since I have a toddler, I have become much more aware of what I say and how often I say certain words. In case you've never been around a toddler, they like to repeat everything you say. My toddler says my goodness, snuggle, love you, and books more often than I ever would have thought. I love that she says these so often. It's adorable. The word she says the most, however, is no.

I have come to realize that I say no even more often than my toddler, and not just to my toddler, but to everyone. It is my default answer to almost everything. I don't think about it. I don't weigh the options. I just say no, to my husband, my mother-in-law, and even myself automatically.

Why is no my go to answer? I have no idea. I don't like it though. I want to actually think before saying yes, no, or any other response. Having my toddler say no so often makes me more aware of how often I say no. I'm trying hard to think before I give an answer, especially to my toddler. I don't want her to remember me as always saying no. I don't want my husband to think of me as "no fun Jess" anymore. I don't want to be so hard on myself and tell myself no for everything without considering if it would actually be good for me.

It's time I start to add a pause before answering with an automatic no. I think that will help me live a fuller, happier, more interesting life.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Things I've Learned Since Becoming a Mom: Anxiety

My baby is almost a year old and I have learned a lot of things since having her and becoming a mom. The thing that I was the most unprepared for was postpartum anxiety. I knew all about postpartum depression and how scary and dangerous that could be and what to do if I started to feel depressed. I was unaware that postpartum anxiety even existed and had no clue how to handle it.

My baby's first few months of life were a roller coaster of emotions and stress. It only makes sense that anxiety would come along with it, but I didn't expect the amount of anxiety I would have over every thing that happened with my baby. L had to be in the hospital for 2 weeks after birth. Every day some new, stressful thing would come up in the mornings, but overall, things went smoothly.

After coming home from those 2 weeks of stress, we decided that L needed to avoid being around too many people for a few months. I had been cooped up in the hospital with L so my husband thought it would be good for me to get out and go see a movie while his dad watched L. The anxiety that came from this was insane. I knew L would be fine and I had my phone on in case of an emergency, but I still had a panic attack in the middle of the movie. I have never been prone to panic attacks or anxiety before so the force of this took me off guard.

I completely broke down. I started crying and would have been shaking had it not been for my husband who took my hand and reminded me how to breathe. He asked if I wanted to leave, and honestly, I did, but I knew that I had to make this first big step (big for me) of being away from my child for a few hours. The longer it took me to make this step, the harder it would be for me. He kept reminding me that L would be fine, and that if something did happen, we would get a call. After a while, I was finally able to breathe again, and I calmed down enough to actually pay attention to the movie.

Every time we have done something new with L, whether it be leaving her at a grandparents house for a few hours, or going grocery shopping with her in tow, I have to fight off a panic attack. It gets a little easier each time, but I still have to force myself through it and remember to breathe. I don't know if this anxiety will ever go away, but I am learning to deal with it now so that, on the outside, it doesn't affect me as much.

What I wonder is why no one ever mentioned the anxiety to me. It's not in any of the books or websites I read, and it was not including with advice I was given from other mothers. When I brought this up to other mothers after it happened, they acted as if it was a given, that of course I would experience anxiety. I have never had to deal with anxiety and panic attacks so how was I supposed to expect this?

It's now been 10 months since L's birth and the anxiety is still there, but it's much easier to cope with now.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

I've decided to star the couch to 5k program again. I did my first run on Monday. The fun thing about it this time is that a friend of mine is doing it right now too, and she happened to start on Monday as well. Today is day 2 for both of us.

Monday's run went fairly well. During the run, I tried to pay attention to what tricks my mind was using on me to make me stop, how true or untrue those thoughts were, and figure out how my body actually feels. It's amazing to me how many times I tried to talk myself into stopping. I made so many excuses and reasons for why I had to stop and most of them were untrue. I could have made better excuses using the truth rather than the made up stuff that I tell myself since that is what I'm used to telling myself. Here are a few of the lies/reasons my mind came up with for why I should stop:

1. No one was in the gym with me so no one would know if I didn't actually complete the workout.

2. I can't run for a full minute without stopping because my asthma won't let me

3. I don't really want to run anyway. I've never liked it much

4. I'll pass out or fall off this treadmill soon if I don't stop

5. I've done enough for today. I don't really need to finish this do I?

6. I'll never be a good runner. My body isn't made to do this

7. Holy crap my legs hurt. I have to stop before I damage something

Some of those are seriously baffeling to me, but those were actually the ones that got closest to making me stop. Now, here is the truth behind all those reasons and why I didn't listen to them.

1. I'll know if I didn't do this and I hate lying to my husband since I know how proud of me he'd be if I just complete this. Besides, I'm sick of lying to myself and saying I'll do something and then not do it.

2. While that may be true sometimes, during that run, my breathing was just fine. I know what it feels like to have an asthma attack, and when one is coming on and I was fine. I was breathing heavily, which I'm not used to, but I was getting enough air.

3. I've never liked running because I've never been able to do it for long. I have to start somewhere. Maybe I won't like running, but since I've never actually tried doing it for very long, I can't justify saying I don't like it.

4. I felt light headed a bit, but not nearly enough to pass out.

5. I'd done more than what I usually did, but I was there to see if I could do the whole thing, not just part of it. I wanted to prove to myself that I am tough enough to do this.

6. My body can do amazing things. I may never be a race winning runner, but I can run and my body is made to move.

7. Yes, my legs hurt...a lot, but they didn't feel damaged. They felt sore and tired like they are supposed to when you run. They were still moving at the pace I wanted them to and I hadn't even come close to falling so they were fine.

It's crazy what my mind will do to try to get me to not work out. I'm determined to continue to pay attention to them so I can stop those thoughts in their tracks and change them into something positive instead. I will not be defeated by my own mind anymore. I'm not happy with how I look and act, so something has to change. That something is my mind set. I can feel the shift starting. I know I'm in for a tough ride, but I also know that I am capable of doing this.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Week 1

Well, I'm 1 week into the deal I made with Wil to lose weight. So far, I'm down 3 lbs. I've done really well with eating better. I still need to work out more, but that is getting better as well. I'm getting better and making myself wake up at 4:30 in the morning and do a workout no matter how tired I am. I did it this morning and although I am tired, I'm very alert and am functioning well at work.

I have a ton of support on this weight lose thing right now and I love it. Wil has been supportive without getting on my case about it (which is an improvement). My mom and I are calling each other daily to discuss our eating habits, ideas on what to change, and how we are doing about working out. I am in a group of 4 other 20-29 year olds who need to lose the same amount as me and weight very close to what I weight right now. We post messages daily to each other to share how we are doing and give suggestions to each other one how to fix the things we are struggling with. It's been amazing. Having a few people that I know will be waiting to hear how I am doing is helping me stick to what I know I should be doing.

Week 1 has been great!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

New Deal

Yesterday, I made a deal with Wil that I will weigh between 130-135 lbs by Feb. 14th. In the past, I've tried to motivate myself with positive (I get something if I make my goal). I'd start out strong and then my motivation would go away. This time, I've decided that there should be something to deter me from giving up. We have agreed that if I do make my goal, I get to buy an item I've wanted for a while, but couldn't justify getting it. If I don't make my goal, I will not be able to use any of our cameras until I weigh 125-130 lbs. As I love taking pictures and take my cameras everywhere with me, I think this will be a HUGE deterrent when I want to give up, or give in to temptations. Something has to change. I’ve tried all the positive reinforcement and it hasn’t worked. I’ve tried writing a workout into my schedule and it hasn’t worked. Letting myself down was a deterrent, but it wasn’t strong enough. The thought of not being able to use my cameras is really hard on me. Especially since we typically go to Bryce Canyon shortly after Valentine’s Day and I don’t know how I could go and not have my camera. It would drive me crazy! Hopefully I can stick with things this time.

I got my morning work out in this morning. I'm also working on reducing my bread intake. I eat a crazy amount of bread/bread products. I'm sure this is a huge reason why I haven't been losing weight. Now to just stick to this during the holidays. Wish me luck!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Sleep Deprived

I don't know what is going on with me, but I am feeling totally sleep deprived. I typically am in bed by 9 at the latest, but I usually can't fall asleep for quite a while. When I do get to sleep, I don't seem to sleep well. Either I wake up a lot or I have crazy, and sometimes disturbing dreams and wake up feeling like I never went to bed. I hope this ends soon.

Friday, January 23, 2009


As I've said, this blog is for my random thoughts. This post wil be one of those times when I just want to write out my thoughts. It is not intended to be taken completely seriously. It is not a request for some serious advice or anything. I just need to get out of my own head a little and writing is my way of doing that. Of course, if you have some advice that you believe would be helpful, I am always happy to hear it. Ok, here I go...

Have you ever wanted to kill your spouse, but you have no idea exactly why you want that? I have. This past week has been really hard on me and, other than the obvious reason, I have no idea why.

My asthma has been awful this week, especially Monday night through Wednesday, but it still isn't where I would like it to be. I had a blessing on Monday and went to the doctor on Tuesday. My doctor gave me a ton more medicine and strict instructions on how much to take of what and when. It was insane.

So, lately, anytime Wil reminds me to take my medicine or asks me if I've done it (which he only does because he's concerned about my health..I know...), I end up getting really snippity and think of a ton of ways to use my medicine to make him uncomfortable. I know that doesn't really fit with the whole "newlywed" thing usually, but I've never claimed to be normal.

Anyway, I've come up with and, thankfully avoided doing, many horrific things that I could do to my husband, or the next person who happens to look at me. Even when Wil has done nothing annoying and hasn't said anything remotely obnoxious, I sometimes still want to destroy him. So my question is why. I don't think I could ever actually figure that out.

Last night, while I was getting ready for bed, I had one of those unexplainable moments. I was just listening to my iPod as I got ready for bed and layed down to go to sleep. Wil wasn't even in the room. When he came in to talk to me for a few seconds, I was annoyed that he didn't realize I was in a bad mood and that he didn't try to cheer me up, and at the same time, I was thankful that he stayed away.

I don't think I'll ever really understand what has been going on with me this week. In the end though, I've decided that no matter how much I might feel the urge to kill my husband, if in the end, I realize that I love him far more than I am annoyed by him, than that is what matters. Since I love him more than anything else in my life, besides my faith, I don't think I could ever actually bring myself to do anything to hurt him.

Thus ends my rambling thoughts.